"What do the letters CSB stand for?" Ushi asked quietly a moment later.
"They are the symbol of our love, of all love," I replied. "I was married to Nicolai and Anton, did you know that? The letters CSB indicate to me that I am still married to them. We are a family together. Only the wedding feast did not take place. There was no time left. The CSB, however, is primarily related to Anton and me. It is deeply intertwined with the way our love had unfolded. In this regard it is rich with meaning."
"Is the symbol too precious to you, to share what it stands for?" Ushi asked.
"No!" I said emphatically. "The symbol is precious, yes, but it becomes meaningless in secret. That symbol can never become so precious that cannot be shared, because its value exists only in life. But are you ready to hear and understand the meaning of it?"
Ushi nodded, with the same sad expression that she came with. "Let me shock you," I answered. "CSB stands for Coffee, Sex, and Biscuits."
Ushi almost laughed, and would have laughed had we not been in a graveyard. "You must be kidding," she said.
"I am dead serious," I replied. "The CSB symbol originated with this meaning before Anton became involved with it. With Heather's influence it's meaning changed. It then stood for Clear headed living, Sex, and Beautiful mornings. Anton, however, thought it was wrong to restrict all of that to just the mornings. 'Why shouldn't we embrace our sexuality always, and in the fullest sense possible' she had asked. So, the CSB symbol was modified to signify that higher perception. It stood for being Complete, for Self-empowered self-love, and for Brilliance. These terms best described our love at that stage. This happened in Caracas, of course, but before the conference ended. When the conference was over, the symbol's meaning had to be uplifted once again. I raised its meaning as a parting gift to Anton, to represent, Caracas, Sunshine, and Brahms. All three aspects had played a big role in our love."
I told Ushi that Anton had reserved her reply until we got to Novosibirsk, where she presented Nicolai's idea of our triple marriage. I explained that the triple marriage was perceived as a pioneering platform for a qualitative improvement of the bond of love between people, built on the lateral flow of love. This gave the CSB symbol still one more, higher meaning. At this point it represented, Children, the Sublime, and the Betterment of humanity.
I explained to Ushi that we didn't leave the symbol at this stage for long. We always tried to push our love further ahead. I explained to Ushi, that when Anton had said in Caracas that we should embrace our sexuality always, she had been thinking in physical terms and in reference to us being together. At our wedding night at the Reindeer Center we decided that this was still too restrictive and unnecessary. We realized that everything that we had shared, our sex, our love, our being together, existed mostly on a higher level than physical contact. We realized it was born in our soul and our heart. It came out of our self-love in which we embraced all that is good and beautifully human. We realized that the sexual sharing was really a reflection of our inner world, of our love of ourselves as beautiful sexual beings. We realized that the sexual sharing was really secondary in nature, a kind of by-product, as we linked up with one another laterally. So we asked ourselves if the physical element was really required from that point on, since it was so restrictive. We realized that the physical element wasn't essential at all. We realized that we quite literally lived intertwined one another's heart and soul, so that we had become a part of one another's self-love."
I told Ushi that Siberia became our testing ground. I explained that while we became separated for a number of days right after our wedding night, the lateral flow of our love should logically continue. With this new realization in mind we decided that the CSB symbol should once again be upgraded. We decided that it should stand for Coffee, Sex, and Biscuits, once again, only this time in a higher dimension in which we existed as one. With this in mind, our marriage became more beautiful. It became so profound that it could continue to exist in spite of us being separated by the vast physical distance that would often lay between us. In other words, we could have our coffee, sex, and biscuits, regardless, with each other, at any time. We realized that the foundation for that isn't physical, but is within us.
"And it is still there," I said to Ushi with a smile now.
I said to Ushi that Anton would always remain alive in me, and Nicolai too. I explained that they would live for as long as I live. "Even Anton's sex remains alive," I said to her, "as I find it reflected in the sex of other people. Anton's smile is reflected in their smiles, her love in their love. Anton has enriched and ennobled the way in which I look at other people," I said to Ushi. "She has enriched me. She has enriched my humanity. She has enriched the way I love you, too. She has become a part of me, or all of us. In that, she lives on. They both live on in that fashion."
With all of this having been said out loud at the grave site, I felt suddenly free to leave that place of remembrance, to leave the grave, the stone cross, to leave them all behind with a great joy. I walked away with lighter footsteps than I had come, and with a greater sense of power than I had experienced since the day the tragedy had happened. The effect was, that the energy within could now be devoted to the urgent fight ahead. I walked away from the grave with a freedom and peace that was embracing Ushi as well.
Ushi loved my definition of their immortality. Perhaps she could feel its substance. Yuri, too, could understand what I said. He told us during supper that night, in his own house and with his family present, that it didn't make any sense to force Nicolai and Anton out of his heart, soul, and mind, with the power of grief, just because their bodies had died. He said that they were still there and alive.
I told him that I didn't say fare well to them at their gravesite, because they didn't live there. By saying fare well there, I would deny their immortality, and with it my own immortality that Anton had taught me to accept and respect. I told them that what we had achieved together, and had shared together, has the potential to enrich many more people by which Anton and Nicolai will remain alive in some form in the hearts of humanity to enrich them forever. I said to Yuri that the only thing that I could say to them at the grave site was a heart felt, thank you: "Thank you for having lived. Thank you for having raised the platform for our love to such a level that it can never dim. Thank you for that great gift you have given me by sharing your life with yourself, and me so that I can now hold you forever in my arms and give you a New Life. Thank you for the chance to live that life with you."
I turned to Ushi at one point while we ate and suggested that nobody really knows how many millions of people remained alive in the world, simply because Anton and Nicolai existed, and we were intertwined in a bond of love. I suggested that without Anton's exuberant daring we might never have found out the truth about the nature of the death star, and without that, we might not have brought it down as early as we did. "Anton, I, and Nicolai have faced great dangers together," I said to Ushi. "We have contributed to a significant victory. Should their contribution to the victory be reflected on their grave stone, with an inscription, such as: Here lie the saviors of humanity?"
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